Day 3: Re-Psyching (or not)

Two essays in one week...yep, I think I'm gonna fail.

To be completely honest, I've been feeling a little under the weather. I mean, all my classes were cool, but my disposition was depressed, maybe even uncaring. Maybe it's a result of my past, maybe it's a result of a lack of affection for any one thing or idea. Ah...you don't understand yet, so I guess I have to tell you.

For my entire life, up until about a year ago, I was always regarded as the "loner." My mother had bi-polar disease for most of my childhood, and that made my life at home almost unbearable. I had to almost stay out of her way to make sure I didn't get in trouble. I went into elementary school, and, with the exception of K-3rd grade, I was looked at as someone...unreachable, maybe even unwanted. No, scratch that. I was unwanted. So, it taught me to live for myself. And, I did that.

It wasn't until the 6th grade that I discovered I was smart. I thought, "Maybe this will change things. Maybe people won't avoid me now." That was a lie from my subconcious. If anything, that hightened it. People would only come to me with problems, nothing more. At the end of 8th grade, I only had a couple really good friends. The rest...abandoned me and my ideas.

So, I got to High School. I changed my disposition. I went from happy and cheerful to dark and forboding. When I was happy in elementary school, I was always looked down on. So, I thought this would change things. Little did I know, it would make me the one most feared person in my High School. I would walk down the halls as even a sophmore, and students would part, allowing me to pass. I guess that has attributed to my lack of even social relationships...

For example, I would bring up the word "date" and any girl would change the subject or destroy my soul from the inside out. Or, even worse, they would lie, trying not to hurt my feelings, and then back out later. What people don't understand is being turned down after being accepted is the worst feeling in the world. It's like getting into Harvard, getting there, and them saying "Oh, so sorry, we found someone with more experience." It's something you just don't do.

Well, now that I've droned on, I guess I'll tell you one more thing:  deep inside, past all the masks and metaphors of my life, I'm a calm and caring person. I just wish I could get someone to see it and accept it as who I am, not who I want to be.

And my mentions about girls checking me out...it's just to boost my own morale because no one else does. Fancy that.

Enough about that...Tomorrow I start to learn the web-page program "Joomla." Yay me.

Hmph. Now that I've told you my life story, I guess I get to leave. Or not.

And with that, *POOF* I'm gone.